Thursday, 19 December 2013

It's Just One of "Those" Days...

It's the kind of day that strikes fear into my husband's dear heart.  And I don't blame him at all.  He's a fixer and surely once he gets home today he's going to do his ever loving best to try to find a solution for my day.  But here's the thing, how does one fix (are you ready for it?) FEELINGS?

You don't, that's how.  You have to feel them and let them run their course.  So here I am over here "feeling things"  Oh CRAP!

I don't know if any of you guys ever have these days.  I don't have them often but every once in awhile I don't get enough sleep or don't eat properly or something doesn't go as planned and whammo I question everything I have done.

Let me explain just a bit.  Now, understand I am not looking for any sympathy or someone to fix this.  I am merely venting.  Somehow transmitting the feelings out through my hands onto the computer screen is somewhat cathartic and ultimately freeing.  Understand?

Today I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself.  Inadequate, not good enough, a poser, a joke, you name it, it's going through my head today.  Here's why.  I think I am trying hard to make a life in an industry that is predicated somewhat on how you look. How others perceive you is vastly important and is somewhat the way you and your success is measured and judged.  Why I decided to go into the fitness industry seems like such a mystery to me at this moment but deep down I know it's what I am meant to do.  I am meant to help people plain and simple.  I wish others saw it that way sometimes.

There are times when I have taught a class or gone in as a sub in a class that wasn't mine and had people see me and walk out, I have been laughed at, snickered at, ignored and passed over.  I have also been hugged, appreciated, complimented and praised.  It is unfortunate that the negative outshines the positive in so many ways.  And on days like today I can only visualize the negative.  I don't like that.

For those of you that don't know me, I wasn't always a gym rat.  Sure I worked out, but I worked out and ate my way to over 300lbs in the winter of 2008.  By the summer of 2012 I was down to 180lbs and feeling wonderful about myself.
November 28, 2008      September 29, 2012

 Not bad…but even with that kind of weight loss and all of the attention that comes with it there are still times that one person's words can cut right through you and take you back to that awful time in your life.

Once while we were on vacation in Mexico we decided to go into one of the city's malls to do some "shopping".  At the time I had probably lost close to 90 lbs.  I had been staying in the city for almost 2 weeks and was used to the attitudes and the people.  I had been with my family in a condo on the beach, living on the economy, shopping for food and living life as if we were residents.  I had even joined a gym.

In the mornings I would run or go to the gym and we would spend the day at the beach, the pool or sight seeing, walking around the city.  So the moment that stands out the most for me on that vacation?  The moment I attempted to enter a swimsuit shop in said mall and the store keeper blocked the doorway.  When I tried to step around him, obviously not understanding his intentions, he moved to further block my passage.  I excused myself and he looked me in the eye and said "we have nothing in here for you"  I said pardon me as I was not believing what I heard.  He repeated his statement and further blocked the door.  I was mortified.  All of my hard work, all of my dedication and commitment were negated at that moment.  GONE!  I turned, stunned I walked away.  My husband could tell something wasn't right but I couldn't bring myself to utter the words.  Instead tears rolled silently down my cheeks and it was many days later before I could tell him what happened.  It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

I know the statement proves more about his ignorance and character than my physical stature but that doesn't make the comment sting any less.  It ranks right up there with an older relative thinking it was funny to call me Cass (reference to Mama Cass from the Mama's and the Papa's) when I was a chubby child.  Not cool!

These things stay with you for your life.  I'm trying really hard to make my way, surrounding myself with people that are positive and committed and working my butt off to make this work.  But jeepers creepers some days it's hard.

Till next time,